nia nymue

the moment I met you paved the way to missing you.

2012-02-15T04:13:00.002+08:00

There are a lot of things I don't need, and don't want too. A fact about me that few people have realised is that I can be incredibly embarassed by elaborate displays of affection. I love surprises, but surprises don't have to be so elaborate. I understand that some people enjoy doing this, and I'm not hating on it at all. It adds to the health of the relationship if you have strong memories to cling on to.

I guess, I just prefer the time he'd spend on thinking up stuff like this to be time we spend together instead. I'm getting better at coping with parting, but it hurts the same, maybe even more as time passes*. I think (I think! I think!) it gets easier to cope with this because I'm becoming more secure in this relationship. :)

*According to the refined point of view in metaphysics, time does not pass.

I am... enjoying this experience. How could I even begin to describe it? I like the little things. And what about this exactly that I am not used to - is the element of reality. I appreciate this, among other things that I value about this. There's no way to describe what you do to me. You just do to me, what you do. :) I like how spontaneous and just so intrinsically myself I am when we're together. You know what I'm thinking of? When I finished your thought about whether it'd be faster to take a certain route, and I then vehemently acquisced and kissed you ferociously twice on the cheek. And I was already thinking of writing in German. :)

Oh Liebchen, du bist echt mein Schatz. ♥

there is still someone in my life who knows why I am the way I am, and for this I am deeply thankful ;)

2012-02-12T19:51:00.002+08:00

Because he was there, the only person who knew everything. Every mundane thing I'd tell him over the course of a day, a month, a year, four years. He was my witness. He made sense of the fucked-up mess I'd become every now and then. Then, I could at least look at him and think, here is someone who knows why I am the way I am.

This is why I cannot sleep properly. This is why I keep regressing to the richness of history when I see blankness in the future.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't find the first "he does this" I wrote, which was on my Facebook wall. Somehow, timeline doesn't keep everything, just some key ones. But if I recall rightly, it was this:

He does this: inform me of everything - the mundane, the inconsequential, the random, the unimportant. I pretend this annoys me.

I've tweeted several now, but I can't remember all, so here's another one to add to the list.

He does this: send me a Wiki link instead of explaining it in his own words. He's better now in that he tries to explain first but he still sends a link anyway.

This is not the only occasion I find to tweet about him.

But it surprises me how much of what we've said years ago that I still remember. Has it really been years? I think a problem I have is reconciling with the fact that we're no longer 17. I have more excuses now and you have more patience. What I remember is this: you want your close friends to write a book about you, each person a chapter. I'm not sure it works like that. What if some people sneak in and out? Then it doesn't make sense to move on from one chapter to another. It doesn't flow like that. Can I be the 140-character comment at the bottom of some pages? That makes more sense to me.

He does this: try to help me even when he knows I might not listen.

Such faith.

wrote this in the train:

2012-02-03T00:18:00.001+08:00

Feels like yesterday got passed by in a moment. Time spent with friends is always wholesome, and I feel great afterwards. But less than half an hour with him and it feels like everything I have ever experienced in my life boils down to that one moment in time when we part ways. It feels like ripping. And I force myself to move to my side of the platform, alone. And I don't look back. And I hang my head and I tell myself that acting like I don't want to look back will make me care less. Hardly.

------------------------------------------

And then I went home, did my homework, and started philosophising with Jem. And I think I've gotten round the problem of there not being any inter-varsity delivery service. Have also thought more clearly about the present I'd give, during lecture today. Damn. I think I zoned out more in today's lecture than I have ever did in the past three sems.

-------------------------------------------

Brb. Am melting on the floor. And am making melt angels. *_*
Ich bin so verliebt.

give me something to believe in

2012-01-28T14:37:00.000+08:00

I miss him. My last someone who meant anything. How much meaning could be embodied by a person, it'd amaze you.

This song is everything I don't feel anymore. And in my sad moments, I think to myself, how could I... how could I...

But I did.

Last time, I could give a shit. There was reason to give a shit about anything. Now, what's the point of anything really.

2012-01-28T12:06:00.000+08:00

yesterday

all you have to do is close your eyes and just reach out your hand, and touch me, hold me close, don't ever let me go.

2012-01-21T15:45:00.005+08:00

I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

"Love".

That word is just too cutting. It's a bookmark others keep to cut you with towards the end. My worry is not that I'm incapable of love, but that I'm incapable of love anymore. And that word is cutting too. Is there really nothing left in me? There is desire. There is attraction. There is friendship. There is gratitude.

:) I have so much gratitude. I don't feel the headiness anymore, but who says that's a bad thing? Who says you need such romanticism? That's all just for the beginning, isn't it? I still feel attraction. I'm still interested. I'm still willing to be committed.

I haven't seen it in his eyes yet, but I've been mistaken many times before. And we're happy. That should be enough. We'll hold on.

The meaning it has for me when he holds my hand, when he puts his arm(s) around me, when he reaches for me.

"within which the philosopher is entrenched within"

2012-01-12T01:37:00.000+08:00

This always happens when I can't sleep: I get hungry. I didn't expect to not be able to sleep - despite having a very satisfying afternoon nap - because I expected to get tired again before bedtime. Well, no. My mind is fairly active because of a conversation I've had and I couldn't even concentrate enough to read two pages of Holmes. I'd stare at paragraphs and realise I wasn't reading. Just like in lecture. I missed some parts even though I thought I'd been paying attention but really I was daydreaming, about what I don't remember.

And it's true, what someone wrote that I've read. That if there is a 'like' button just on a person's page, I'd click on it every day. :)

"don't be such a pussy, Tom!" he says

2012-01-09T09:55:00.000+08:00

Maybe I enjoy this, this repetition that always end up with the same expression on his face. That of "fuck it, I'm not listening anymore, do what I said or do what you want to do, but I already said it, so fuck it or suck it". No, I'm being unfair. He's much nicer than that. He wouldn't be impatient with me.

And then something else said by someone else, that then I wouldn't need to ask. And why would I want to know? Well, I just want to. Don't they know by know that knowledge is enough for me sometimes? And certainty. That's why I took Philosophy I'd say, and this is a joke.

You're wishing your life away with things you don't say. Okay. I get it. What use is it to you, what's on my mind if I don't let it out?

zum Schluss, vague impressions

2012-01-01T00:40:00.001+08:00

11:57 pm: This will not be the first post of 2012.

[does other stuff]

12:13am: going back to the corner where I first saw you

Began on a recovery note.
Made it through the second semester of my freshman year with great support from close friends and especially her; classmates quite oblivious to what I was going through/ had gone through. For the most part.
Pushed hard, surprised and rewarded. Berlin. Reprieve with new air.
Made it through my third sem like I was in a dream maybe. In retrospect? No, even when I was experiencing it, felt like I was just passing through.
When did it begin? Probably with my embarrassment. My visual memory is better. // Zh was probably the first person I talked it over with - a proper analytic. So I put it aside for a while. // I was staring at that hand. // Certain habits.
Quite inexplicable that I should have done it. I'd been pushed to the edge, I guess. That's what we all say. I suppose I had a choice. Maybe I didn't love you enough. Makes me somewhat sad to consider this, but that doesn't devalue everything we went through.
I don't remember how Zh started talking to me again. I guess it's like that. Who knows? Might happen again, and I can't say in advance for myself what I'd do then.

What I can remember:

(I really can't remember the other days. :( I don't remember which days I went out with Hidayah either. *facepalm* But I really liked that day. Had candy cane latte for the first time. And on another day, I'd gone shopping before/ after dinner with my sister at my favourite restaurant. Ach.)

Tues, 20 Dec: results released

Wed, 21 Dec: met Afizah?, lady carpenter beetle, making waffles

Thurs, 22 Dec: movie marathon - can't quite think of adjectives.... but dinner afterwards was a pleasant surprise. forced myself awake during ride home with WL despite just wanting to knock out. of course this gave me a splitting headache after. // I was about an hour late and was still able to watch Memento as well as Paprika. Rewatched Fight Club and perhaps I was too harsh the first time because of other extenuating circumstances under which I had watched it. Had strawberry jam stuck on my hair. Ah, I recall now that I probably didn't sleep well the previous night because I felt intensely sleepy in the later afternoon. And then mamihlapinatapei. (Finally, occasion to use this word.) I was silenced after an interjection from someone else not involved in the conversation made me consider that perhaps I was giving off a very harsh vibe when in fact, I didn't mean to. I was just feeling a little awkward and embarrassed but did not realise it at the time. Until now. Emotion retard: new level unlocked. -.- Dinner afterwards was a pleasant surprise and shared a meal with the table I was with and we had a good chat? Forced myself awake during the ride home with WL despite just wanting to knock out. Oh yes, Jon Chua is living my dream. It's slipped past me now and I can't have it.

Mon, 26 Dec: went to the library

Tues, 27 Dec: um...?!!

Wed, 28 Dec: Breakfast with some TJ girlfriends and then some. The rest were all going to town, there was a technological crisis, I looked at the cupcakes and joked and really that was it. :| I wonder how rude I was to do that. He didn't seem very put off, but then I am quite bad at reading social cues. Borrowed a DVD and Sherlock Holmes. Never realised when a great writer Doyle was. I've been exposed to mostly the abridged versions and one or two short stories here and there.

Thurs, 29 Dec: Bidding fangt an, brunch with Irna - she gave me advice on netbooks lol - went back home (met an aunt on the way back), to wait for text reply. Meanwhile, watched Eden Lake and Ever After. Ha! Then off to airport sometime in the night. Ride back gave me a very bad headache and maybe it was just the stress of travelling on bus to the far east for two days straight, but I had a slight fever the next day. (Oh, I thought I saw someone.) Changed seats with the person next to me on the bus because she was wearing warmer clothes than I haha.

Saturday, 31 Dec: BBQ in Pasir Ris, then shopping. A very nice surprise, and I celebrated it with a tweet to my private account. Ha. That brings it FULL CIRCLE, doesn't it? ;)

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

In other news, people are telling me to just grow some balls.*

* Not the exact phrase, but you get the idea. Maybe.

for the first time

2011-12-21T17:43:00.002+08:00

I couldn't decide. And I got really distracted by the hot one. And I always have a soft spot for the underdog. And cuteness, well. But I think I knew from the beginning that he was someone I really liked, and that time would only deepen the attraction.

And I was talking with my sister the other night.

"Don't you watch movies??"
"Yeah, but I learn from different scenes, not those."

It could be that this is my first time. :) A scary, jump off the ledge into clouds kind of feeling. Because it's unknown and I have no idea how to go about this and all my previous experience counts for nothing. Ah I'd hate to dismiss all that as nothing. But comparatively, to this....

"It's like you honestly have no idea how wonderful you are."

2011-12-17T20:42:00.001+08:00

burned on the back of my mind
scars as familiar as the back of my hand

I need you to get me out of here. I need to be out of my mind.

traumatised; es war nur eine Traum.

2011-12-17T20:13:00.005+08:00

m'aidez! m'aidez!

save us from this drowning vessel

They keep testing, the boundaries of my sanity. And when is the part where it is okay to override my rationality? This system of consistency that I've built up? Wasn't that one of the reasons why I decided to major in Philosophy? To acquire tools to help me build strong consistencies?

Mad. To what extent is my neuroticism tolerable? When am I supposed to know that I need help and that I have to consult her again? I feel pushed. I feel pushed.

overbored, overboard

and there is nothing you can do

"Save him, save him", they cried

Looking with horror at the cruel sea far below

What a beautiful May day.

(photo by Wing Hang)

I couldn't let this go.

2011-12-12T02:14:00.000+08:00

No, I will not speak of it. You either know or you don't.

2011-12-12T01:06:00.001+08:00

Yesterday, I got lost in the circus.
Feeling like such a mess.
And now I'm down,
I'm just hanging on a corner.
I can't help but reminisce.

How very fucking apt and #MLIO that Zh tagged this video ("it's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything") in that post. I don't remember this scene. Very apt. Very precise. Very ironic. I remember just how I got introduced to this movie. How I felt when I was watching it - there was some disgust, some condescending malaise, some.... full-ness that probably shed the memory of this film altogether as I shed skins.

Except for feelings. Feelings stick on me.

to shut down and bathe in these words about me

2011-12-12T00:39:00.006+08:00

"Time has not stood still. It has washed over me, washed me away, as if I'm nothing more than a woman of sand, lefr by a careless child too near the water. I have been obliterated for her. I am only a shadow now, far back behind the glib shiny surface of this photograph. A shadow of a shadow, as dead mothers beome. You can see it in her eyes; I am not there."

Margaret Atwood

The Handmaid's Tale

Lately I can't really be alone for long. I could occupy myself reading The Brothers Karamazov or some other project I've got going on, but I can't do it like before. I used to be able to go for days without talking to anyone. I can't do it now. I simply crave company.

Realised this on the way home after dinner with Karen and reasoned that it was probably because I've given off so much of myself to people. And not always real pieces of me. Some of which are constructed. And it's all held together by a thread I'm still working on. To have to keep an eye on this art I'm making, I can't multi-task. I can't continue this metaphor.

The kind of emptiness that only being in the company of others can satisfy. I am the pour-soi seeking, devouring en-sois....... And I can choose to put on acts. I can choose to behave a certain way. I choose to choose. But I will never be complete. I will never be something. I will always be a gaping Nothingness. And there's not even despair in this. Despair is yet another thing to choose from. What I am... is just emptiness.

Thinking perhaps the way around this is to carve some space for myself. I have my private blog. And also handwritten diaries. But I'd feel like an intruder sometimes, if I choose to go there. Because...... when I used those media, it wasn't to create a private space for myself at all. Those were yet another medium..... So. Wo bin ich? Wo stehe ich?

Walking around Jurong Point with Karen afterwards. I could see shadows of people I used to speak to but no longer between shelves. Along the aisles, by the railings. Just turned away. Blinked them away. There is so much of me, and yet... I am nothing. A bizarre paradox. To be at the same time the holder of particular experiences, and still not quite the summation of them all. I am definitely the consequence of all these experiences. But not the summation.

Huh.

you tread all over your mistakes
and every heart you'll ever break

2011-12-06T18:55:00.002+08:00

"... not as a temporary partner providing solace or excitement for the night, but as a quite serious and committed relationship which deserves acknowledgement and legitimization."

Susan Bordo

bringing body to theory

2011-12-01T23:43:00.000+08:00

I watched The Holiday today. Surprisingly very good. Atypical roles for the various actors to play, and there was one moment that touched me so deeply that I cried. I was taken by surprise.

When Cameron Diaz was at Jude Law's place, in the tent, the gesture he made after the words "three musketeers" were spoken.

Reminds me of that time in the train. We were already in the north. And he did it but I couldn't give a fuck because I was just too deeply hurt already. It was easier to not care by that point in time. And I was right, wasn't I? Or maybe I'm a walking self-prophecy.

while I still can.

2011-12-01T23:17:00.000+08:00

I think I fall for guys who don't like me back because it's safer to love than be loved. It's still quite dangerous to love. You put yourself out there, but it's definitely safer if it's unrequited, isn't it? It's so sad how I cockblock myself with my imaginary penis.........

Is it like that for you too.

Maybe we're the same, but either way I can't breathe. But I'm not moving to the next line of the song just yet. Just holding my breath.

As refreshing as the cold water I pour on myself from the bucket is when I tell myself to say goodbye while I still can, it is still cold.

Isn't it tiring? It's just tiring. But I don't get it. That I feel so fine, wenn ich ganz nah bei dir bin. Und weg von dir, bin ich noch okay, but there seems to be some kind of formula. Probably because that's it. We don't really talk except when we meet, and so I miss you.

Ah.

among the roots and baby's breath

2011-11-25T00:04:00.001+08:00

someone worth dying for?
or one who leaves me breathless?

is there any difference?

//

don't. rush. me.
exactly the kind of thing he might want to say.

//

But there's no one left worth dying for. For. Do you understand what that means.

the reasons why

2011-11-23T13:23:00.000+08:00

my first love
my philosophical partner
my competition
my friend

- French Milk, Lucy Knisley

what you mean to me

2011-11-23T13:12:00.001+08:00

all the pain,
the tears I've cried
this time I'll never let you go
the only one I've let inside

//

I forgot I had a minor one recently. Yesterday's was the worst. Two intense hours. It was frightening to have it come upon me like that. And I did my best to calm myself down but I started crying after an hour because I thought it wouldn't go away.

Actually I was getting really fine before WH came and I felt bad asking him to come get me and perhaps I should have left school at that point in time because after he came and left, I had a bit of (public) breakdown on the bus and alighted somewhere near NUSHS to walk the rest of the way. I kept stopping and eventually just sat down on the pavement to watch the cars go by.

And it felt forever, but just suddenly, I slapped myself (metaphorically), got up, sucked it, and just walked all the way to MRT, and eventually reached home. I didn't immediately sleep. But I woke up this morning later than I've usually woken up.

That was.. definitely scary.

//

No one is giving me a chance at Words with Friends. They're all slaughtering me. Especially Zh. Wtf........ he forms the longest words. "Exorable" "Ansated" o_o And he rushes me the most, more than even my parents wth. If I have another attack....... Just kidding. I would never blame you.

Anyway, despite this, I think it might be Zh who forces me to be better than what I am. Isn't it strange how life has worked itself out.

ceased seizures

2011-11-21T12:31:00.001+08:00

Book 8:54. As your breathing partakes of the circumfluent air, so let your thinking partake of the circumfluent Mind. For there is a mental Force whciih, for him who can draw it to himself, is no less ubiquitous and all-ervading than is the atmosphere for him who can breathe it.

Book 8:56. My neighbour's will is of no greater concern to my will than his breath or his flesh. No matter how much we are made for one another, still each man's self has its own sovereign rights. otherwise my neighbour's wickedness would become my evil; and God has not willed this, lest the ruin of my happiness should lie at another's disposal.

I have not had a panic attack like this in a while. -_- But it's comforting to know that Meditations still provide comforts, even though I felt that I'd outgrown it a few weeks ago.

esgehtmirgutdanke

2011-11-21T10:51:00.000+08:00

I do worry quite a bit. Often about the consequences that my actions will cause, and the amount of pleasure and pain caused and if it's all worth it. But there's a problem of underdeterminacy isn't there?

And I can empathise with that girl from the Korean version of Boys over Flowers now. I thought she was pretty stupid not to just go off with the blondie, but I think I understand now. Feelings change, and sometimes you stop wanting what you used to want.

Well. I might have screwed something up, but I had better keep my mouth shut about it now because it's my talkativeness that landed me in this position in the first place.

I think the thing that plagues philosophers most is uncertainty. And sometimes hesitancy in speaking out our thoughts, because we've been trained to formulate a proper argument before even attempting to have a position. Most people have it the other way round.

I am very worried, of course. Because what I say could very easily be misinterpreted by someone to be referring to him, when in fact it is about someone else. I mean, how am I supposed to deal with this kind of situation? I'm not even sure if there's a misunderstanding. It could be I'm all worried for nothing. Anything's possible. :/

William T Dall

2011-11-20T17:29:00.002+08:00

"There is a singular delight," he wrote home in 1866, "in taking these delicate and almost microscopic animals and putting them under a strong glass, seeing the tiny heart beat, and blood circulate and gills expand, counting the muscles and blood vessels and almost the tiny disks that form the blood and to know that you are the first that has penetrated these mysteries and are perhaps the only one who ever will, and that all your notes and drawings and observations are so much solid knowledge added to the power and grace and beauty of the Infinite."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2010/sep/28/price-biodiversity-species-worth-cop10?INTCMP=SRCH

why I smiled

2011-11-10T21:38:00.002+08:00

Was quite amused at what happened in the canteen in school today. I was looking to see where JonS went and then saw HP instead. Was quite stoned from revision and lack of sleep so I just stared. And he just stared back too. And suddenly winked at me naughtily. Hahahaha of course I laughed and smiled a little.

I can't imagine what it'd take to do something like that. What kind of person must you be to do something as random as that?

Or maybe it's got something to do with being 19. I get it.

but you don't really give a shit
you go with it, go with it, go with it
coz you're fucking crazy rock and roll

Mein Sartre

2011-11-02T23:09:00.000+08:00

But not this time around
You won't call anymore
Just to know I'm still around to pick up the phone

And I can't call
But the silence will set me free

Ich wünschte, du könntest Deutsch sprechen. Aber ist es egal oder?

2011-10-28T02:34:00.001+08:00

I wrote a poem. In German. I think I should get on with my schoolwork, now that some of my tension has been released through writing. You could use Google Translate, but perhaps the significance won't be as much. Aber ist es egal oder? Ja klar.

Aber ist es egal oder?
wie sehr das Schweigen
riecht genau wie du.
es reicht.
wenn du weg bist
schreibe ich alles nochmal
dinge, die wir nie tun könnten.
dinge, die ich dich nicht sagen könnte.
so wie dieses Schweigen,
das genauso wie du riechst,
reicht ist.

I haven't seen them in a while.

2011-10-28T01:32:00.001+08:00

it turns out.

and the chains on our doors traps us.
it feels heavier now, the full weight
swinging back to hit me in the face.
but perhaps even now it's not even
the worst of it all yet. maybe because
i'm tired and the chains are a little
looser at the moment.

Oy, it isn't what it looks like at all!

2011-10-24T02:03:00.000+08:00

#ThatVeryAwkwardMoment when your friend thinks X is your ex-boyfriend and he is not. He is not. He is not. And any denial at all on your part will just lead your friend into thinking that he's hit upon the truth because he's stubborn like that. And you've been going on and on about said ex-boyfriend that, on retrospect, does fit X quite well too.

the tweety

2011-10-23T00:23:00.000+08:00

I'm tweeting a lot. More and more it seems. Though the per-day counter on Tweetdeck isn't accurate because it counts also your retweets and your replies to people. Still. I'm tweeting a lot.

I like it because it's instant and the breadth of topics is theoretically infinite. But sometimes it becomes automatic, and I'm glad for the frequent times my phone hangs up on me, because then I really get to assess if I really NEED to tweet something.

What was my public Twitter supposed to be for? (I definitely know what my private one is for.) It seems nowadays, almost anything goes. And I haven't been blogging as much because I've just dumped whatever I want to say or what I think on Twitter. And these thoughts obviously take more than 140 characters, so sometimes I submit several tweets at one shot to express the thought I had. These ideas don't really fester as much as if I'd waited till the end of the day or whatever to blog about it here (or elsewhere).

I also owe people posts:

Buddhism and reincarnation as metaphor
Dasein/ Heidegger series
Psychology as non-science

Wait. I haven't replied Shawn in days. If he'd already deleted the thread, and I suddenly reply....? Well, not anytime soon. Why? I don't feel like it.

Mitternacht Neun-teen

2011-10-23T00:00:00.000+08:00

Day 09 – Something you’re proud of in the past few days

My body. Going to school every day. Sleeping well (i.e. no insomnia). Eating fine.

(Bleh. I'll continue this series as and when.)

Does infinite chaos lie? / On opening my mouth

2011-10-20T23:20:00.001+08:00

Between saying something and getting enough of a reaction from people to interest them to debate with me,

between finding the words that would properly communicate what I want to say,

between feeling the words on the tip of my tongue but swallowing it just moments before I let them free into the airwaves,

between finding a spot between your eyes I could look at for you to feel the significance of my parsed-down words

lies infinite chaos.

And if you happen to look this way......

2011-10-16T23:29:00.002+08:00

Believe me Adia, I could never hate you. I don't.
And deep down, I'm still praying for you.

you don't deserve this song yet

2011-10-16T22:41:00.001+08:00

I wanted so much to help you.

I don't understand why I have to ask for your forgiveness for leaving when all you kept doing was walking past me, and throwing snow when I tried all along to keep the fire alive.

And you look at me like I'm the one that has done wrong and you refuse to critically examine yourself. You just pass over the arguments like you really do blame yourself. But you don't. Not at all. You think you're pointing at yourself in the mirror, but it's not a mirror at all. It was me, your friend. But you didn't see me as your friend. You kept seeing me as someone else.

I can't even open my mouth now. I know, if I even try, it'll just get worse. So I left you one last thing, hoping you'd start to reflect (pun intended), but that mirror became a glass wall so insurmountable. I couldn't break it down. And you were screaming. And I waited to speak, but you couldn't hear.

Was konnte ich tun?
Nichts.

And I know, I'm not the only one. I don't know what she has in her to do this. Is it love? Really? I cannot understand. I know I love(d?) you too.

Well. I suppose if all you're doing is shouting for its own sake, I really didn't matter at all. I felt like a toy that you entertained on those occasions you condescended to spare time for. I know you don't see it like I do. And I wonder how you see it, really I do. It really did mean so much to me, the things you've done. But I'm not a bank account. Friendship isn't about favours. Even consistency is not the main thing.

It's trust. And you didn't trust me. And I stopped trusting you too.

I feel like I am in a black box of my own, just recounting all these things to an audience. Knowing that no one might understand the position that I've been put into; it was a position I let myself be pushed to.

Over the edge.

the week in review

2011-10-14T20:22:00.000+08:00

I guess the week is kind of over. I don't really count the weekend, don't ask why. Was struck by disappointment early in the week, but then really, I was setting myself up the same way I did when I was working at HCC. When we shared our thoughts. (I worry I might not remember who the next time I read this. I mean the guy who asked me if I missed Jam.)

It's strange how these things happen. I don't want things to go the same way they did with SF. I was far too careless. And this time, there's no one looking out for me. So I can't be like that anymore.

And I've just found out....

I see he has far from forgiven me. He has chosen to hate me. He has chosen to continue on this path of his, refusing to understand me. I don't know how it came to be this way. But I was hurt and offended, and we're just both too pride and stubborn.

What a shame. I could almost cry.

Well, either way I can't breathe.
All I have in me is to say goodbye every time.

So ein Tag! :D

2011-10-10T22:52:00.000+08:00

Woke up to a tweet by my sister complimenting my sleeping outfit. Then saw my mom and she said she was going to take me to the doctor because of the frequency and severity of whatever ailment it is that I'm having. (Even the doctor doesn't know.)

Went to the doctor's and got the doctor that I preferred. :D We talked for quite a while, and he maintained his professionalism, but I find him much more friendlier and also reasonable than the other one that I usually get. We talked about beliefs and verification, and he also clarified with me that it's not true that taking pills build up resistance. And that certain medication are labelled 'poison' because they require a doctor to prescribe them. You see why I like him? Well, I like anyone who takes time with me (i.e. very patient) and teach me new things.

Went back home for a while to settle emails and finish watching an Attenborough video for my module. Met Jin Zhe afterwards for 'consultation'. I looked at his Level 1000 Computing module handbook and decided to dismiss any thought I had previously of taking it. It sounded interesting, but uh.... I don't think I'm willing to spend the time to prove why 1 + 1 = 2. (Yes, that's really what he does.) He helped me with a particularly difficult section in a reading I have for my Philo mod. It's like a sudden impact of logic application. Anyway, have decided to meet the prof. I hope he's patient. I am easily..... excitable when it comes to things I want to know but haven't quite figured out.

JZ and I ended up talking for quite a while, and um, haha. It's interesting to see how people from our secondary school have turned out. That's all I will say. He seems to be very upset by something in particular. Then I had to go to this iCube auditorium, and he escorted me there. I swear I felt like I just entered Science. Have not been to that part of school before. Wow. Is it part of computing or business? The SEP talk was for Engineering students, so... yeah. But there were intelligent questions abound. Arts people tend to be less assertive. Ironic isn't it? Then there was this presenter who went for exchange to Germany. She said that she only had two months' worth of German and that it was "more than enough" because the Germans "speak very good English" and she also said..... (wait for it)..... that Germans are probably the best English-speakers in Europe.

I'm sorry. I laughed. She forgot Great Britain.

Left halfway and then ended up somewhere...... There was an A*Star building/ logo nearby. Don't know where it was. Didn't want to faint in the middle of nowhere, so I turned back and walked the route by which I came to the place and then to Central Library.

Just as I entered the library, saw Hao Pu exiting. He looked so despondent. I'm very fascinated by the moles on his cheeks. I'm not sure which to look at first. Which came first?

Sent out more emails, printed stuff, tried to download documents, checked Facebook and Twitter... Then I was done and went to the lift that goes down to Central Forum. I was waiting alone, and there was only one person in the lift when it arrived at level 4. It was a hot, sweaty, Caucasian guy who had presumably just finished his workout. Quite good-looking.

Headed to the toilet at Central Forum and was humming a song to myself when I opened the door. Saw someone exiting so I shut up. IT WAS LI YING. I loved her dress. We talked for quite a while actually... hahaha at least ten minutes. Then she left the toilet and I went to wash my hands. (That's all I went to the toilet to do.) Then Yi Ge came out of one of the cubicles. OHMYGOD.

#MLIO

Anyway, we took the bus back home again. And.... I couldn't stop smiling, because of everything that's happened. :) I'm still smiling now. So ein Idiot. C:

against climate change

2011-10-10T08:53:00.001+08:00

Things I am doing and will continue to do, as well as my considerations:

Reduce packaging of things I consume (e.g. instead of the small HL cartons, I get the largest bottles possible)

Are paper cartons more environmentally friendly than plastic?

No fast food.

Ever. Too much animal cruelty, excessive cholesterol levels, and too little vegetables.

Meat only once or twice a week.

By meat, I usually mean fish. I've stopped eating beef, chicken etc. But if it's already served to me, and no one else wants to eat it, I do consume it. And it makes me feel upset.

I will get plants.

It's a natural air-conditioner. Absorbs sunshine and gives out oxygen and water vapour.

Avoid zoos?

I'm not sure.. Now I'm starting to think it's bad to take animals out of their natural environments just for show. It's sick.

Don't stay up so late so often.

:/ So I don't have to turn on the light. I'm really guilty of this.

Stay off products that are just icons of evil.

You know what brand I'm referring to. It encourages mindless consumerism with its aggressive marketing. It also cares not for its workers.
I prefer Android because for most brands (Sony Ericsson sucks), you can upgrade the software without changing the hardware.

Continue to reason with people who are set in old ways and are unable to adapt to new circumstances.

Shark's fin-eating people.

Donating to wefeedback.org as much as possible.
No smoking.
No car rides.

I do take one once every few months. :/

If there is anything wrong with what I'm doing and my reasoning, please do let me know.

the speed of neutrinos

2011-10-08T20:10:00.000+08:00

I felt like I just went back in time. And I don't mean this in a psychological way at all. I mean, physically. Felt like I was ripped out of my skin while doing notes on Philosophy of Science (isn't that convenient) to a moment I experienced in early 2007, when I went bat-shit crazy because Nic and I were walking towards each other in the hallway. And I haven't thought about this in years.

Anyway, I really did go bat-shit crazy that time.

On the one hand, I think he's quite excused me. (It wasn't awkward at all when I called him to discuss our A Level results. But now that I think back about it, WHY wasn't it awkward? It's not like we were friends, in any sense of the word.) On the other hand, there are some people whose relationships with me will forever be rather tense. Oh, I hold nothing against Zhong Hao I think. He just annoys me because it seems like he's dragging me back to the role that I played back in JC.

And I really think I've changed, so talking to him frustrates me, because it reminds me of those times. And he talks to me almost as if I haven't really changed. Yes, annoying. But nothing grievous. I could live with it just by ignoring him whenever I don't feel particularly kind and generous.

hoping that my voice could get it right.

2011-10-06T23:53:00.001+08:00

What I want right now is to lie naked on my back on the grass, under the dark starry sky, in the drizzle. Doing these kinds of things don't actually make me feel more free, though. I just feel drifted away. And I'm tempted to succumb to this, but I think I'm punishing myself, so I won't.

Had rather emotionally provocative conversations with Fiqah and Yige in the evening. Separately. And I'm really feeling like I can't trust anymore. I was able to dig remnants of the ability but I think I'm all spent. Not just trust that someone will be there for me. Also trust that I can have in myself. After certain things that I did, I'm not even sure I can't believe myself anymore.

I still can't forgive myself for being so cruel to Krypton. I didn't think of it at the time, but it's becoming clearer to me now the terrible-ness of what I did. And what it meant to everyone else around me. How easily I could go from saying "Okay, I'll stop seeing other people just for you" about someone I was seriously considering to having that commitment to someone else completely different. (I wasn't seriously considering SF. I knew anything would be temporary.)

I'm finding it a bit difficult to look at photos of myself where I had a certain look going on. Not exactly the bob of late last year, but a very similar bob of early this year until August, when I grew it longer. I can't bear it. Because I know that was what he was looking at when he was looking at me, and this knowledge is tearing me.

For better or worse, I'm distancing myself away from that image of me he loved.

"I suppose, then, the inability to forgive oneself can really hurt..."
Did he know? :(

2011-09-30T13:45:00.000+08:00

Increasingly now, I've come across quotes that I want to share or at least store on the Internet, and I post it on Facebook via Tweetdeck because Tweetdeck no longer supports longer tweets. But it's far too many and I hate seeing my Facebook so disorganised and it's become almost like a dump for anything I don't want to put on Google+ or either of my Twitter accounts.

My current Tumblr layout at nianymue.tumblr.com is dedicated to photos and text doesn't display well. I like it like that for pictures. So I decided to make a new one for quotes that I come across. I was looking for quotes that I'd already published on this blog to put on this new underthefloor.tumblr.com and I realised that I've formatted it so nicely to blogger and then I started to question if it really was important to open yet another media account just for quotes. But I haven't yet come across an adequate Blogger for Android app that allows me to edit posts in the way that I like. And also, mobile phone technology is not as advanced as computer technology. So I'm not sure yet what this blog will be left for. I'm loath to abandon it like I've abandoned all my other blogs. This is my only functional blog at the moment. (I haven't written on my Wordpress - the personal one, not the public one - in months.)

I realise that I tend to dump a few tweets at one go when I have something on my mind. Enough of that. I'll use Twitter strictly for relaying and sharing useful or interesting information. (Or for me to practise my German haha) I'm considering leaving Facebook because there's far too many things going on for me online. And I'm keeping Facebook only because a large number of my friends, acquaintances and family members are on there. And I regularly lose phone contacts. Facebook is convenient. But that's all. A lot of privacy issues that make me nervous to be on Facebook.

My Google+ is extremely clean, so it's a bit of a white elephant for me right now. I'm not sure what I put there actually. It's usually videos.

your girlfriend

2011-09-27T11:35:00.000+08:00

For it I fell
For it I fell so fast
For it I fell
For it I fell so hard
For it I fell
For it I fell so fast
I fell for it, I fell for it

hey, it was :>

2011-09-19T11:19:00.002+08:00

he often said, I should have tried crying

2011-09-13T22:23:00.000+08:00

Wish it were them performing this Friday instead of Alesana.

repairing your ship while you're still sleeping in it

2011-09-12T10:20:00.000+08:00

I feel like that. When I'm trying to get somewhere (in life) and I revise my philosophy or rethink over some things.

But I feel no pain.
No pity, and right now maybe that is exactly what you need.

haha hummingbird heartbeat

2011-09-06T23:08:00.002+08:00

Ich habe schon lange mit Damien unterhalten. Das machte mich zufrieden, weil seltern ich mit eine andere Person unbehindert so reden kann.

I think the deepest feeling of despair I could get, is when I feel so happy being with someone, that I just keep on talking and I turn to them and realise from their blank stare, that they don't understand what I've been talking about at all. That really makes me question everything. Like, if I was really happy in the first place at all. If that person even made me happy. If I have been subconsciously and temporarily living a lie because the real thing is so hard to find.

I never want to see that look again. The sense of despair I feel at infinite chaos is far too deep. I've stopped doing that to myself to a certain extent. I've stopped forcing connections. Now it gets better.

He said some things that I hadn't realised/ known/ thought much about before:

my subconscious amusement at everything Terry says in class (he starts everything with "I denke")
Edward Said's interpretations of intellectualism
I am existentially extremely restless - and apparently this was very evident since a year ago. We've taken three German class together thus far.
I am intelligent.
Perhaps I should do something about my intelligence to develop society into a thinking society.

P.S. literature is way underrated.

2011-09-05T00:45:00.003+08:00

I took my pride out of me for a moment and put it opposite me. We stared at each other, but none of us picked up the phone. My pride must lose. #irony

my life is scenes, not any one movie

2011-09-05T00:36:00.000+08:00

Almost three years ago.
Don't lose the lesson.

let's drink: down one for all your hopes and cares; here's two for being unaware that I'm gone

2011-09-01T03:27:00.000+08:00

People in on my private Twitter may have known what I was about to do, and perhaps it was right of me. After all, I can only live the life of one person. I can't be feeling for two.

Maybe I should have been more understanding and sympathetic, but I don't know if that would have made a difference. Certain things happened that led to an inevitable change inside me that you can no longer understand because now, truly, we are two distinct minds. The infinite chaos that separates us is something that I've turned my back on. You were sitting, staring at a painting.

You didn't even know I left. You commented on the painting, thinking I was still in the room with you, but I'd already left. It was the memory of me that you heard replying you. I just don't, not anymore.

I don't know how to go about this. I've never done this before.

this is the curse of having

2011-09-01T03:00:00.004+08:00

I missed this song when it came out. Don't really feel anything substantive from listening to this song, except that I want to take my heart from my chest, cut it open in half, lay back in the grass, and let the cold, sharp air of Europe rip through it.

Thing is. Even after I forget exactly what happened, surely I could not have forgotten what happened immediately after it happened. So it is still a part of me somehow. If memories are like coats of paint on my blank slate, well, after a while of painting over it multiple times, I'd have forgotten the original colour and even some of the earlier colours. But it still contributed to the thickness of the wall.

Sometimes I really wonder where I am going with these metaphors. But I'm told, that Ben Blumson said in his tutorial, that
"Every metaphor has a literal paraphrase."

If I'm a bloody walking metaphor, what does my I refer to? Or am I meaningless?

I'm beginning to understand a psychological reason why I insist on overloading and just stretching myself so much. I don't want too much time to think about things. But well, this is the curse of having. Because on the other hand, there are so many things I've briefly thought about but haven't fully explored and I wish I had the time to explore that. But I really don't trust myself with empty time, with no content. I know I'm going to think. And this cogito scares me.

All that talk about "misery shared is misery halved".

2011-08-24T23:59:00.001+08:00

The point of friendship is to have a support system, and I just stopped feeling support from you. It's not enough for you to say that I can rely on support from you. I've stated things you could do that would help me - what I'd consider as adequate support.

Then tonight, I found out it wasn't just me. It's not my fault. I did try. And so did everyone else. So you just continue sitting there, looking at the painting, okay?

You said you didn't want me to leave, but I got my pack ready a long time ago and it was almost a year ago that I started walking towards the door. I had my handle on the doorknob several times, and I don't know. It could be tomorrow that I'd already left. It's a slippery slope.

does not meet expectations

2011-08-21T22:25:00.000+08:00

What can I say. I don't think it matters what you meant to me. Sometimes, I can't see the distinction between you and the others just from your actions. You have your own way, but it's just an interpretation of some rule that people adhere to when interacting with me.

It's like this. Somewhere along the way, you lost me. And I can't say myself what it'd take to get back. Or if I even want to.

sometimes when I play that old six-string
I think back to you and try to think what went wrong

the philosopher returns to writing

2011-08-16T22:04:00.001+08:00

I'm researching on my chosen topic at the moment. It's related to a specific kind of prejudice, but I can't say anything more about it until I'm done with it. For the first time in a long time, I am very conscious of what exactly I choose to include in my piece. It's not that I think my colleagues (and editors) are rather conservative (in my opinion). The point lies with me. It is not the intention of my writing to ironically stir up more hate. It is my intention for readers to critically examine their own views as I offer a broader perspective on what is usually a narrow topic of conversation.

I quite understand where these other writers whom I'm reading are going with their pieces. I can't say that I sympathise, because I reject the whole idea altogether. I have, since exactly this time last year.

happy birthday

2011-08-16T12:14:00.001+08:00

I will be making my own birthday cake this year. Two cake options for me:

Green Tea and White Chocolate Cake
which I'd prefer because it's easier to make and looks tastier

Chocolate Strawberry Cake
which my family prefers but is much more difficult to make.

THE BLONDE ONE

2011-08-11T00:15:00.001+08:00

Read C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters. You'd totally understand why I find this nickname from one of the seasons of Hell's Kitchen (UK) absolutely hilarious.

Anyway, stretching my comfort zone. Will be addressing at least one of my professors by his/ her first name. This is a first for me, for any teacher I've had. I always, no matter how personally close I am (read: Mr Goh Chee Meng) to a teacher, address them by their surnames. Although it's been more than seven years since Mr Goh last taught me, and I've met up with him for (alcoholic) drinks with other classmates, I still call him Mr Goh. So hello, Chris.

my limit is four plastic bags

2011-08-09T13:57:00.000+08:00

Clearing out stuff, and found some interesting and useful websites:
http://moreganize.com
great for finding the best date for a meet-up of large groups

http://www.worldwiderthanwww.com
the website that inspired me to title my blogpost thus. bleargh.

http://asiandiver.com
Do you know that an Asian Dive Expo is held annually in Singapore?

http://socialvibe.com
connecting consumers with charities**

*In reference to the blog title, seeing a person holding on to more than five plastic bags make me nauseous. On bad days, one is enough.

**Google "Are charities a waste of time". Disappointing results, and I found a good devil's advocate argument against supporting charities here: http://www.bargaineering.com/articles/dont-donate-money-to-charity.html

heute Abend wäre perfekt.

2011-08-02T20:39:00.001+08:00

when they tell my story again and chart out the patterns and history,
promise me: don't blame him.

awfully addicted to:

2011-07-30T23:42:00.003+08:00

writing songs just to forget

I've had perfect moments. I just never stole them.

2011-07-29T01:28:00.001+08:00

You're not the same as everybody else. To me, you're an amazing person and a perfect friend. It hurts that all you think I see is the first bit about lesser intelligence, but even that is not true with you. You are smart too, but what does it matter? I don't care about these things.

that was nice, thank you :)

2011-07-28T03:35:00.000+08:00

all for love, we become
larger than lifesize, wondersome
great in the eyes of someone

2011-07-26T21:25:00.004+08:00

this is the way I would have done things
up against the wall.

Feeling rather estranged from my JC friends. Probably because the last few times I asked them out, it ended up getting postponed or just not happening. And they don't use Twitter. I do have JC friends who use Twitter but the ones that I'm closer to don't. And...... you don't get it.
I tweet.

It's my communication channel. I don't expect anyone to follow it. But I'm more on it than on any other social medium, including Facebook, so that's the best way to connect with me.

Anyway, had a craving for the acoustic cover of Underoath's Reinventing Your Exit. I put it up on this blog before. I'm trying to remember how that song fits in my history. I mean, I'm pretty sure it was a result of either someone leaving my life or someone new entering my life. Or some kind of change in relationship dynamics with someone. But I'm not sure which month it is. It should be either September or October 2010.

Back. :/ Found it. October 3rd: XXXXXXXX

Yes, I do remember who I was thinking about when I wrote it.

another shot of whiskey! can't stop looking at the door?

2011-07-21T20:05:00.003+08:00

Ich vermisse ihn sehr. Oder jemand anders?

Here's a metaphor. I enjoy a variety of foods, and my favourites are very different in taste and flavour from one another. Imagine these favourites getting shoved down my throat. I can't appreciate it. I'm confused and perplex, and in every dish of it, salt is missing. It's like that.

I think it started from there. The butterfly effect. I used to blog like this:

turning. (turning. another one. swept the rest.) gave away. (besuchen. habe gefunden. nie. ja. nie. nie.) nie. homecoming. nie. nie. nie. nie. nie. nie. nie. nie. nie. nie.

I blogged like that for my own benefit. When reading in retrospect, I understood (most of) it. I don't think what I wrote above even makes sense, but then, I know what exactly is the problem here.

Is my own side better than being on your side? I wish I could see it through your eyes, but I can't. And that frustrates me, infinitely.

as it gets

2011-07-20T14:07:00.000+08:00

I'm very angry at Roger and other people are bearing the brunt of it. But I have nothing left to say to him. I can't even imagine what I'd say. It's not that I can't express what I want to say; I really do have nothing left to say. This is what happens when I finally start to say something important and relevant but you shut me up, and I realise that you did not understand a single word I have just said and that there is no hope that you could ever understand me.

I gave up.

and there's nothing I can do when water has marked the map I drew

2011-07-16T22:56:00.006+08:00

photo from 17 September 2010

This was soon after:
I matriculated into university and started learning German
I did the Army Half Marathon
I had an undercut

This was a little before:
I took off my braces
happy times with Krypton
I met SF
I dyed my hair red
I did the Standard Chartered Full Marathon

This was way before:
I started freelancing
I went to Germany
Someone I killed off in my head came back

It was just an easier time because I'd gotten rid of all that was bad for me, and was picking up good things again. But life isn't a straight road. I had to do some things first before I got to where I am now, at this point in time. And I looked at this photo and I just wanted to go back there as myself, to hug this girl I see in the photo... and just cry. Look at her dark blue nails.

But she won't get it. If she looked at me, she'd just be bewildered. She wouldn't understand. That somewhen in between I was her, and she was me, there was a girl who is at the same time both of us and yet neither of us. How did that happen? This old me in the photo, and the new me right now, we'll sit together, and wonder how that in-between girl came to be. I think that's why I've kept certain things. Although I've thrown out everything that was linked to me and SF, there are still documentation of what happened somewhere, and a deep understanding between us. But I can't believe I forgot I dedicate an entire DRAWER to someone else. I can't even-

Maybe I knew. I'm glad I was free from either of these two for at least some period of time. When the only male I allowed in on my feelings was Zul. But then there wasn't much going on. I can't remember if Krypton was before or after this photo. I guess I know now where he stood in the bigger scheme of things.

STAY SMALL. You could've been greater that way. I know it doesn't make sense, but if I told you, could you trust me?

secondhand serenade for my hall of fame

2011-07-16T01:49:00.004+08:00

Last Time, secondhand serenade
I'm stuck with analysing songs.

pumpkin
you made me too deeply insane. i didn't think i could dig my way out. and i didn't, quite. and that's why...

spiderfingers

I couldn't breathe through it like I needed to and our words didn't mean a thing.

krypton

I think I was wrong. I was thinking about something else. Sorry.

But dearest,

I want you to know that I'd die for you. Just you. I'd. Die. For. You.
Make sure you're not lonely, because if you are, I'll forever blame myself. I know I'm not the only one who can treat you like you deserve.

That's all. I have nothing left to prove. Made tired by all this - for better or worse. And that's why it's so easy for me now. Because I'm done looking, and so while I don't like it (that people look at me), I tolerate it better now. You should've seen what I did today/ yesterday.

1:30 lolololololololol

2011-07-13T16:54:00.003+08:00

filled with smoke and silhouettes

2011-07-13T00:20:00.001+08:00

there's a place that I've found
as far as I can see, this place lies within the depths of my dreams
in a garden surrounded by fire and trees.
through the smoke, a silhouette i can barely see.
there's a man with an axe standing in the rain.

looked me straight me in my eye,
this is what he had to say:
Never fall asleep. You won't wake up.
Destroy the guillotine before he does.

I walk with shadows.
They keep me safe and sound.
You have to find a better way.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Starting a new path. I keep branching off. Escaping my fate. I hope I make this one work. Pretty exhausted with trying to manage all my branches. When some grow too unmanageable, I'd have to cut it off. I need to figure out which has greater priority of my time and effort.

Why I cannot be American.

2011-07-08T01:40:00.001+08:00

[Warning: heavy stereotypes involved, but they are what they are - general so that people know what I'm talking about]

Americans do not put up Self-Brechtian walls. They enthuse. Their emotions diffuse their body cells. They don't hold back. They just.. burst through. They are very social in the sense that they just squeeze themselves to laugh over every random thing and to be raucous in general.

I'm not like that. I can't squeeze myself. If I'm not having fun, I'm not going out of my way to pretend that I am. Don't know why I'm explaining myself. The special people in my life know just how raucous I can get.

Also...... I don't think people realise I'm shy. Not the socially-immobilised shy (ironic I know), but the kind that doesn't like to be talked about. I hate talking about myself sometimes (especially when other people are present or engaging me). I'm with myself 24/7, I think about myself and what choices I should make that are good for me, I "talk" to myself. It's quite tiring to do all this again with someone else. And I'd have to explain certain things to them. Because they don't have the same thought processes as I do, so something that seems natural and 'inevitable' to me might be puzzling to them.

Remind me to talk about NDP 2011.

P.S. Singapore is awfully crowded. I'm a city girl, sure, but I've been feeling very assaulted here since I came back. And the people here are senseless! I'm sorry, really, but I don't mind giving way to you. But how do I know you want to go right if you don't communicate with me? (Referring to this mum who wanted to squeeze through a crowd with her Kinderwagen. What's that in English? The trolley thing for children. Perambulator?) And out of habit, I said 'hello' to a cashier, and she looked so happy she almost cried. :|

to every Jonathan in the world

2011-07-05T15:17:00.000+08:00

It's a simple 'I like you'. :)

I admire you and look up to you. You're driven and I like that. You're inspiring. I like it that I learn from you.

About me.

2011-07-03T01:42:00.000+08:00

I'll quote what I said again.

I have very strong philosophical convictions. You think I live a reckless and carefree life, but my life is an examined one. You think I'm making what you perceive to be a flimsy choice, but in fact I have subjected it to the greatest scrutiny. I am a bundle of beliefs and choices. Unravel me. :)

I cannot care what other people think of me - they either like me or they don't. Or they can't quite decide. How is this relevant to me? They can't help it, and neither can I. We have different belief systems.

I do mean that. No one else could possibly share ALL my beliefs. You haven't been thrown into this world the same way I did. You did not have the same experiences, the same thought processes, the same feelings. I do not expect to be liked. I do not expect to be disliked.

I do not do things just to "be nice". Uh.... I'm quite insensitive to other people's needs most of the time. There are many reasons when I do something, and sometimes they are just a simple "why not?". If it doesn't disadvantage me, why not? If it does not disadvantage me, when karma comes around, it can only advantage me.

I don't often have ulterior motives. I'm quite frank about why I do something, but if you really want me to explain, it would take some time to listen me through.

But anyway, it's up to people whether they want to be nice or mean to me. It does not affect me much. If they're pointlessly mean, that's just a waste of their time and effort, and I can't be bothered to point it out to them that they're wasting their lives away. (I said I'm not nice.) If people are being nice to me just to get something out of me, they can keep on being nice. I'm not so susceptible to sweet words and actions. Don't I benefit from this too?

I don't think I'm complex at all. But then, I've had an entire lifetime to know me.

I thought I left some baggage behind in Amsterdam.

2011-06-30T05:23:00.002+08:00

Will date anyone, do anything - just to keep from missing him. / The feeling comes and goes. It's not the same kind of passion I felt at that time (maybe) but it sure as hell is not quite the distaste I feel towards other people I've fallen out with.

Isn't it funny how the songs I've planned for someone else ended up so appropriate with/ for you? It's not funny. Maybe because I'm familiar with you. But the more that temporary distractions, well, distract me, the more permanently you remain on a pedestal.

But is it just that? Or do I really care for you? Damn it, man. I don't know. You know me.

I never imagined being with you for very long, and I knew the end was coming, but it's just not right somehow. You confused me. And I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you. Yes, I did love you.

Sometimes I believe in alternate universes, and pretend that in one of these, we did things right and we're happy together. I kept listening to Katy Perry on the planes.

I watched The Adjustment Bureau on a plane back - the one from Amsterdam to Dubai. The idea of free will against fate is played out in the movie. Maybe I allow people too much free will. As much as I grab hold of situations and steer opportunities towards me, I always let people do what they want to do. Like on the plane, what happened. Sat three seats away from a guy who.. caught my attention. Started exchanging notes but in the end, I didn't push him. I wasn't desperate for it. I was just fishing.

On another note, I miss him. Not the airplane guy. The one I started writing about in this post. I tried again, but it's still up to him. I... am really sorry about the way I said certain things, and for not saying important things. But you did know what you meant to me. I told you that. I just skimmed over the deeper feelings part. I regret that.

And even though they stank and were heavy, and would have made passing through customs hell, I miss my boots.

catatonia nymue

2011-06-29T01:11:00.004+08:00

I know myself really well. Ironically, it surprises me that I know myself really well. I was saying back in Europe a at least two weeks ago that I'd need at least a week to just lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, to adjust. I don't just mean jet lag. I deal with that pretty well. I mean the exhaustion from travelling and the psychological adjustment.

I've been so used to being on the move, being so... like a traveler, adapted to European regulations and custom that it'll really be some time before I'll truly feel at home. I did feel a sense of exhilaration when the plane landed on good old Singapore soil. I was fist-bumping Valerie. I almost pushed my hands up in the air. I almost sang.

But right now, I really need to just.... do nothing and let the environment shape me again. Because while I was always on the move in Europe, here in Singapore, most of my activity does not involve walking. It involves mental energy and a lot of staying in one place getting things done.

At Changi Airport, while waiting to collect my luggage, I was still speaking in Denglish to my travel mates. The Singaporean accent struck me as funny. It was endearing back in Europe - up till Munich - but now, it feels weird. And my left feet is somewhy perpetually numb. I SPENT APPROXIMATELY (read: more than) 24 HOURS TRAVELLING FROM SCHIPHOL AIRPORT (in Amsterdam), TO DUBAI, TRANSIT (for seven hours), TO COLOMBO, TRANSIT (but stayed in plane kind), TO SINGAPORE. I gained time when I traveled to Europe, so some of this time is "given back". After adjusting, it would seem that I only traveled for 16 hours. But if you timed it, it'll be about 25 hours.

I was saying also that I couldn't remember what my room looked like. When my dad drove into our neighbourhood, I was like "woahh... this doesn't feel right". I know that I recognise this place but it doesn't feel familiar. The feelings that I've associated with the places are gone. Is that a good thing? Went inside my room and it felt damn huge. The toilet feels like a mansion. And I have full-length mirrors in both my toilet/ bathroom (in Singapore) and my room. It's a strange kind of comfort to finally see myself again.

And my body is for some reason moving in circular motions. I think the travelling did this to me. Standing on trains, walking around in airplanes while in flight, has made me constantly in motion. I need to be strapped to the bed.

My family says that they have plans for tomorrow. That they plan to watch a movie - I think they said Transformers? I really do need a week doing nothing. But I know I have so much to do. I need to figure out how I'm going to schedule my modules for the next academic year - whether I'll be doing internship in the first or second semester, if I'll be taking a part-time job. Because..... apparently I spent at least 4000 Euros (via credit card). Let's not talk about the cash I carried yet. I don't remember.

Oh God. Feels like my bed just sunk below. Like when you touch down the airplane. I need to rest, but am somehow still awake. Don't think I should watch TV. Family needs to rest.

I'm sitting on my bed right now, facing my full-length mirror. My torso is moving in circles. I haven't even finished uploading my first day in Berlin's photos. Slowly..? Tomorrow I'll make a plan. Right now, I'll start my staring at the ceiling therapy.

See you on the other side of Singaporeanness.

this queen of hearts could be your best bet

2011-06-09T05:19:00.000+08:00

No, you're not okay. It hurts to see you like this. Frankly have not felt this way about anyone in a really long time. I usually don't care what other people because I know they'd bounce back, but I know a little about how you think. And it's getting to the point where you'll be rock-hard stubborn. I'm greatly disadvantaged because I've showed you my play cards; so, me talking to you ain't gonna cut it. :/

Emotions are so useless. It frustrates me. I wish I could transfer you some of my happiness. I always bounce back, this is okay for me.

I can't help it I'm a lioness. But I'm not going to bite. I won't eat you. I understand why you are afraid of me, why some people in general are. But can't you look past appearances?

Dude. Please.

Erwachsenekeit in Deutschland

2011-06-08T05:31:00.001+08:00

So, found out today that the school-organised trip to Esslingen this Saturday is cancelled because too few people signed up for it. That means I have a free day. Munirah semi-invited me to Schwarzwald from Friday after class to presumably Saturday afternoon/ night. And then I heard from my cousin that she'll be arriving in Munich on Saturday so I might meet her then. And after Munich (including Dachau's concentration camp), I'm headed towards Neuschwanstein Castle.

I would also like to go to, but have not gone to:
National History Museum
Wilhelma Zoo
Motorcycle Museum

The above are nearby to Stuttgart so I'll probably do it after school. Meant to go to the zoo today but I was so sleepy and tired. I will be sleepy and tired again tomorrow. Fuck.

I hope both Munirah and my cousin will confirm with me asap so I can plan my itinerary. I need to find a place to sleep at on Saturday night.

And the homework for today. Is it due tomorrow? Dammit. I'm not exactly tired or having a headache, but I know I'm sleep-deprived.

11:31pm, Tuesday, 7 June 2011

I'm sorry if I made you wait.

2011-06-01T02:57:00.000+08:00

2011-05-31T22:14:00.002+08:00

i'm one of those things you save forever but never need
like an old newspaper no one has time to read

(16:14 Stuttgart)

Kein Problem!

2011-05-16T19:44:00.001+08:00

Haha, in the end Zul is the only friend of mine sending me off at airport later - apart from family and relatives. That's all that counts, really. :)

>> NACH DEUTSCHLAND

dear -

2011-05-16T02:24:00.003+08:00

you looked just like i did.

open your eyes like i opened mine.

it's only the world.

i resist you, just like this

you can't tell me to feel!

You can't be too careful anymore when all that is waiting for you won't come any closer. You've got to reach out a little more. Open your eyes like I opened mine. This is the real world.

I still wish you all the best, all the time. Du wirst für mich immer heilig sein.

all for an empty hotel

2011-05-12T21:02:00.000+08:00

~~Just because I have more difficulty than most people in identifying and understanding my own feelings doesn't mean I lack any. I'm hurt. :'(~~

I'd lie for all of you. And I lie well. :)

represent!

2011-05-11T03:37:00.006+08:00

I love what he did with the tomtoms from 0:25-0:35
and the stick flips oh gawd <3

Ahhhhh I like this cover very much!

^_^
p.s. he doesn't know the lyrics haha

and then when I clicked the user's profile, the following video immediately played and I almost died from #MLIO-ness.

And the following video officially made me fall in love. Talent! *_*

Psyche

2011-05-11T03:22:00.000+08:00

One of my nicknames from when I was sixteen or seventeen. I'd just read C.S. Lewis' Til We Have Faces, and was vaguely attracted to Psyche - not for what she is, but what she seemed to represent to me:

A young woman who loved and was loved by Eros (also more commonly known as Cupid) and was united with him after Aphrodite's (or Venus') jealousy was overcome. She subsequently became the personification of the soul.
that which is responsible for one's thoughts and feelings; the seat of the faculty of reason

Definitions taken from:
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Psyche

Update

2011-05-11T01:33:00.000+08:00

Haven't blogged for many reasons: too busy, didn't prioritise blogging in particular, and I'm grasping at words.

I promised to do certain things and I still haven't. I'm worried about what will happen when I'm displaced. I know I always survive, but this is different. I guess it's a good thing I'm going then, because the next time it will be longer.

her light, once brilliant, went cold

2011-05-10T21:58:00.002+08:00

This little light of mine
I was told to let it shine
But I stood idly by
And watched that poor flame die

I kept it from the bushel and brush
And away from the grasp of men
I left that lantern in the light
Where my flame could blend right in

I will bear this cross
I will wear these thorns

But I know
All this dark won't swallow
All the light I hide
But still host

Her I'll learn to hold
She will grow and grow
She will shine so bright

"Don't let Satan blow it out."
The teachers always said
But soon enough he figured out
It wasn't worth his breath

'Cuz this little light of mine
Is losing all its' bright
Not to the dark I hold inside

But to the dark kept from its sight
Below the smoke still burns a fire
A small spark lives 'neath all these ashes
Promise me you'll blow until I glow red,
bright fiery red

I've learned to smolder
All smoke but no flame
Ashes ashes we all fall down

(I long to glow like you
embers, bright halogen embers)

I will bear this cross
I will wear these thorns

But I know
All this dark won't swallow
All the light I hide
But still host

Her I'll learn to hold
She will grow and grow
She will shine so bright

Ashes to ashes we all fall down

This little light of mine
I was told to let it shine
But I stood idly by...

please excuse my eyebags for hosting purposes

2011-05-01T00:33:00.001+08:00

like the trembling heart of Dorothy's lion

2011-04-29T23:07:00.002+08:00

So much election fever going on. I've become somewhat more vocal on policies that I've disagreed with. I won't be elaborating on it here, but it's got to do with the general political system. I'm discontent with the GRC system and the first past the post electoral system.

It's strange how things are going. My right foot takes a step forward, my left arm points to my southwest. Getting pulled here and there by the different things that I've invested time in. And now I feel like I can't really do any of them well. But I've gotten to know new people and reconnect with old friends recently.

There's a chance.

I was tested on Thursday after my paper. I think I failed. I feel like I've repeated this so many times, and yet when it comes down to it, I reveal that I haven't really learnt. Can I borrow your dream, Zul? I, too, want that stranger.

// Update: I've written the blog post at my wordpress.

this is where she lies

2011-04-25T22:43:00.004+08:00

"Are you okay? You seem.... distant."

She snapped out of her thoughts and looked at the man driving beside her. His eyes were on the road but that stoic face she knew so well showed a slight strain of exhaustion and worry.

"Yes I'm fine. I'm happy. This is just my standard thinking face."

oh Florida, please be still tonight
don't disturb this love of mine
look how he's so serene
I want to keep him dreaming
It's my one wish, I won't forget this
if luck is on my side tonight
my clumsy tongue will make it right
with wrists that touch, it isn't much
but it's enough to form imaginary lines
forget your scars, we'll forget mine
the hours change so fast
dear God, please make this last

because this happens every time, and I knew it would. I knew it would.

2011-04-23T09:42:00.002+08:00

I haven't listened to Evanescence's Hello since... 2008? 2007?
Songs hold emotional significance to me. This one was particularly painful. Anyway, I was just doing my final quick re-cap before today's afternoon paper when this song played. I didn't realise till halfway through.

if I smile and don't believe,
don't try to fix me
I'm not broken.
hello, I'm the light living for you
so you can hide. I don't cry.

And guess what song came afterwards? Hahahaha, Ryan Star's Last Train Home :)

Oh my.

I think I'm brave enough to watch Norwegian Wood. Before flying off. Before reading the book.

you were a storm
you blew us away
I wouldn't leave you
but you couldn't stay.

and if you wait for me,
I'll be the light in the dark if you lose you way
I'll be your shelter
I'll be your faith.

just the way we are

2011-04-22T22:24:00.000+08:00

thank you for carrying my heart
I think I could have tried better to take care of yours
but I wish, for your sake, you find someone who'll never stop trying
I love you.

2011-04-21T09:59:00.001+08:00

Found this on the internet, and it gave me an idea.

http://iammommy.typepad.com/i_am_baker/

metaphor of the week

2011-04-18T23:13:00.001+08:00

Think of my relationships as fires. There has to first be a spark for me to bother sitting out there in the cold night, nursing embers and hoping for some light in the blank darkness.

Sometimes the other party/ parties find me after I've put in some effort (or vice versa), and we take turns to feed this fire with time, effort and love.

So, obviously, if you leave the bonfire, and it's only me, it'll take a lot of work on my part just to maintain one fire right? I have many fires to take care of, that I want to take care of.

But for every fire that I feed, many other fires risk dying. So I hope you understand. That I have no pity for you. I stayed behind for a while to stoke this fire and even resorted to stealing embers from my other clusters of fires to maintain what used to be a bonfire, but which has since you left, become just a tiny flame.

You're an old flame. Understand?

and in her eyes

you'll see nothing

no sign of love behind

the tears cried for No One

dear maria, count me in!

2011-04-17T12:18:00.003+08:00

There's a story at the bottom of this bottle, and I'm a pen.

guitars from 0:25-0:35

drums from 0:46 to 1:09

dear people who came to this world by being born,

2011-04-16T16:36:00.000+08:00

#likeabitch

2011-04-16T03:18:00.001+08:00

2011-04-12T23:23:00.000+08:00

Yesterday at Starbucks, while I was (attempting to) read a history/ politics book, I couldn't help eavesdropping on two girls sitting near me. Maybe they thought I couldn't understand them because they were speaking in the mother tongue, but I heard and understood most of it - when I wasn't trying to focus on my book. One of them A deleted a friend X on a social media site which created an uproar apparently. The deleted friend had put up an intimate photo of herself (X) and A's ex-boyfriend who is X's boyfriend. So A was saying that this was disrespectful. I'm not sure how A's sister comes into this, but that's how it went.

I understand how A feels. Not because of what I've just typed but because she also said about how she's done with her ex, that she's done trying to help him, that they just cannot progress as individuals and as a couple in the relationship. You understand?

I don't hate you, I never could. I don't regret meeting you, I never will. But I do regret our relationship. It destroyed our friendship.

I feel quite impatient sometimes. But I'd be lying if I said it was easy for me to.. take another perspective of things. I've lost quite a number of friends due to relationship complications, and I feel regret about that sometimes. You know, I try to salvage something. In some cases though, I admit to being hypocritical. Because there are just some things central to their character and personality that are diametrically opposite to mine, which I try to sweep aside, but this kind of thing you can't bypass, you know? Then I wonder how good a friend I can be if I am unable to support you.

Actually, I'll take that back. I am... not a Hallmark friend. Most of the time, my actions are a result of utilitarian ethical considerations. If I judge something worth doing, I will do it. Otherwise, I won't try. Forrrrr example, if I know you have many friends who support you, I wont really go out of my way to help you out. Unless I really do care and that quantity is irrelevant. Another example, if I know you have someone who you could totally depend on emotionally, and is a much better friend in comparison to me - why would I risk making you feel bad by trying to be a friend when I don't know how to?

That's why we have not moved forward in our relationship. No, not really, we haven't. Because all I care about is that you're happy, and if you're happier without me, well I'm not going to try to stick my bloody nose in things, am I? No. But it's not like I'm going away. For the most part, I do not walk away from friendships. Most of the friends that I have lost, I let them make that choice. Is that naive of me?

// P.S. Why do I have so many friend requests on all these social media sites? Damn! The point of my pseudonym is to remain anonymous and control my privacy as much as I can.

look how he's so serene

2011-04-12T14:44:00.001+08:00

*clutches chest*

Something odd about the guitar sound I can't put my finger on. Either it's too flat and needs to be tuned or he's not pressing hard enough on the strings. Hmm. But he's so cute! With a nice voice. And check out the screen grab of the video haha

look how he's so serene

2011-04-10T14:04:00.000+08:00

What did you see when you took this photo, I want to know. What I was thinking when I looked at you as you took this photo, I can't remember. I can vaguely make out my face here and I think I prefer it like this. It would gut us both to see the raw... happiness on my face. That night.

[to be continued]

2011-04-09T23:25:00.002+08:00

Today was nice.

And now I am sleepy because I've been decaffeinated. Goodnight.

2011-04-08T22:28:00.002+08:00

And if you are alone
Make sure you're not lonely
'Cause if you are, I blame myself
For never being home
I know I'm not the only one
Who will treat you like they should
Like you deserve

2011-04-07T15:09:00.001+08:00

One is the devil and the other the God, and the individual has to decide which is God for him and which is the devil.

(Max Weber)

Because one day I woke up and realised I didn't know who you are and that I've been showing my wounds to a total stranger. You laugh at the other guy and think you are God, but I, the individual, now deem you the devil. He wins. Three cheers for five years. Auf Wiedersehen.

caffeinated philosophy

2011-04-06T03:12:00.003+08:00

It is not difficult at all to find my faults. Any idiot can point them out. I wear them proud like armour. Doesn't it make sense? When knights fight, they attack the armour. When people want to argue with me, they are free to attack my faults and leave me unscathed. After all, 'I' am not my faults. Hasn't it occurred to anyone that I might have constructed false faults? Am I the only one who sees as all this as pure play?

My faults protect me in the same way armour protected the knights of bygone ages. I've caricaturised them - sometimes very self-consciously - to a perfection that I wonder if anyone else wonders how much I parody myself. I stretch my faults to extremes because the 'me' that it is trying to protect is a large, volatile, sphere of fire.

So I have to wonder, at some point in time, when my stretched-like-chewing-gum fault-armour will be far greater than the fire it was trying to contain. Don't I? What if someday the fire died and I didn't even realise it because I was too fixated on playing up my faults?

I don't know why I do this. Make it hard for people to find me, I mean. Perhaps, if people really are homo ludens, then all I am doing is looking for good playmates. Because if my whole life is spent "playing", I'd just keep moving up and up to higher levels. And because games aren't played in isolation, I have to keep looking for better partners.

I see. Is this why I retrospectively realise I just want to win at the cost of who I'm playing with? If life is a game, is the point to win, or is pleasure in play itself the only worthwhile good?

Still awake at this time because of coffee, but at least I've thought a bit more about this. My paper is due very very soon, and I'm not sure I can pull another MS1102E (wrote essay overnight and got an A).

P.S. I like theoria about my self. I am able to distance myself from the self I observe and I am also able to verify any observations made from my experience of being myself at the same time. How circular this is, I do not know. I am still grasping with Kant's distinction of the material and formal self.

Be careful what you wish for.

2011-04-06T01:20:00.002+08:00

See, now I can't sleep and my thoughts are running everywhere. If I really am the sum of my thoughts, why do I feel too tired to chase after them?

Eh, come back. Need to write essays.